Vipassana-part 3

The hardest part was getting up early. Sometimes it took so long that the dalmaworker had to come and shake us in bed one by one. still everybody snoozed the first two hours in the meditation hall� well, at least I did.

�Sepideh�, the dalmaworker sat in front of us, I could see her �though my eyes were supposed to be closed- sitting there from early morning till noon. �what are you a sea anemone? you mean you don�t have any backache really? not hungry yet? Get up ring that lunch bell girl!� I thought to myself all the time.

In the third day, after lunch I was sitting in the garden, thinking about the last night discourse in which the master had said about �things� that may erupt from the unconscious.
I thought well, it�s like I�m not gonna have one. Every thing had been going on smoothly till that moment. It could be like that till the end. I also did not have any serious problem with my knees. Quite convenient! I thought.
At that very moment, suddenly everything changed. I started to remember the time I tried to kill myself repeatedly. Particularly that time which I almost succeeded. I had no idea why I was remembering that. It had been a long time ago, and I never thought about it during all those years.
I remembered my dad�s tearful eyes�and, I can�t explain why or how, but I could see myself from his eye, and feel how deep he was hurt�
It was beyond horrible.
I couldn�t believe in seventeen I actually thought life was too painful to be worth it to live. I realized I knew nothing about it before that moment at all.

I cried so hard that I had never before and until today I haven�t being in such a deep sadness yet.

I sat there for a while. When at last I got back inside, I knew one thing very well.

I was never going to have a child.




Painting: �Not yet�� ; oil on paper, 2003.